Do What You Have To Do
by Salix Ardens
Summary: DEPRESSING!!! Tara ponders the break-up.


Do What You Have To Do, by Salix Ardens  
  
Disclaimer: Willow and Tara belong to the Jossbot. The song is property of Sarah McLachlan et al. No copyright infringement is intended, and all that jazz.  
  
Rating: PG-13, for gratuitous angst.  
  
Summary: Tara thinks about Willow after their break-up, wavering between wanting to understand what Willow did and wanting it not to be her own fault. Song fic, with Sarah McLachlan's "Do What You Have To Do." It's depressing.  
  
*****  
  
What ravages of spirit conjured this temptuous rage  
  
Created you a monster, broken by the rule of love  
  
I left you. My Willow, my only, and I left you. I try to tell myself it was because of the magic, that you couldn't use magic like that safely. But then I think I never should have left you because of that. We could have worked through it. But you raped my mind, Willow, Goddess, you violated my mind, just like Glory. And you said you'd always find me. But you lost me yourself.  
  
And fate has lead you through it  
  
You do what you have to do  
  
And fate has led you through it  
  
You do what you have to do  
  
It's not my fault. I had to leave. You were killing me, killing us, and I had already been through hell once without you and I couldn't let you put me there again. It was fate, it really was, that brought us together, and we kept ourselves together until you lost control. And don't say it was because you loved me. It wasn't. But what other reason could there be?  
  
And I had the sense to recognize  
  
That I don't know how to let you go  
  
And I can't let you go. I know you love me. I felt it, when I sang and you looked at me and all I felt was love, and then there was the floating, and how could I have floated if you didn't love me? You have to love me. You have to love me as much as I love you.  
  
Every moment marked with apparitions of your soul  
  
I'm ever swiftly moving, trying to escape this desire  
  
I can't stay away from you. I live here too, you know, and I keep seeing you or the others and they close off when I see them because I hurt you. I hurt you and it kills me. But you hurt me first. You took my memories, and you took my mind, and you took...you took my heart. Even though you already had it. Forever.  
  
The yearning to be near you  
  
I do what I have to do  
  
The yearning to be near you  
  
I do what I have to do  
  
There are times when I sit all alone in my room and I remember your smile and your laugh and your random tangents and babbling and I cry, silent tears, because everything is silent without you. I dream in silence. I wake in silence. I live in silence. There's no reason for speech because there's no one worth talking to. But with you I didn't even need words. I never needed words. And now, when I should be talking to people, getting on with my life, I realize it ended when I left you. But you hurt me first.  
  
But I have the sense to recognize  
  
That I don't know how to let you go  
  
I don't know how to let you go  
  
I can't do this.  
  
A glowing ember, burning hot, and burning slow  
  
Deep within I'm shaken by the violence of existing for only you  
  
I know I can't be with you  
  
I do what I have to do  
  
I know I can't be with you  
  
I do what I have to do  
  
I can't do this. I can't, I can't breathe without you, Willow. I burn for you, but my heart seems dead. Because you have it. I think of everything I would have given up for you to be able to stay, and the list always includes everything I own, my heart, which you have, and my soul, which you have too, and my mind. But you took that. You took that for yourself, but no, you didn't, you just didn't want me mad, and I CAN'T DO THIS! Willow, Goddess I need you so...but you violated me, but it was because you had to keep me, and you just couldn't figure out another way. It was because you loved me. Love me. Like I love you. It has to be.  
  
And I have the sense to recognize  
  
But I don't know how to let you go  
  
I don't know how to let you go  
  
I can't let you go. 


End file.
